My Blog

This is Day 372

It’s been 6 days since I wrote Day 366

What an amazing day. Wait... What an amazing week... and it’s not even over!

OK... if you’re used to reading this Blog, I know that intro caught you off guard. Before I run off in high spirits and blow the punch line... let me back up to Sunday evening and I’ll tell you the story from the beginning. I think, after reading todays blog you’ll find, (hopefully) that time will show that today might mark this as when things changed. This might be the point when the day’s become less foggy, less dark and start showing signs of some desperately needed answers and inspiration, even if some of the answers are unexpected.

Sunday night was more like you’re used to hearing from me. I remember thinking... “I’ll bet this is how Alex felt when she just couldn’t imagine going to school monday morning.” I was sulking... consumed with the enormity of all my problems and felt myself drowning in self pity once again. I've been in this place, in my mind now so many times... it was almost starting to feel comfortable. Of course the small comfort of repetition is soon overpowered by the inevitable and nasty side effects. There were some facts driving my foul mood. I was $-32.00 in my bank account and for the first time I had nowhere to go (used up the last of my savings in April) and worse than that the fridge and pantry was in bad shape. As is my routine I usually take a look at what I have for breakfast and lunch supplies before morning hits so I can plan ahead. It wasn't looking good. I used to joke that “I could scrape the paint off the pantry walls and make dinner out of it...” Good thing, because it was beginning to look like I may have to exercise that talent. NEVER in my life did I ever think it possible that my family could go hungry! I've always said very flippantly... "I can always make $$$... that's the easy." Well... not so easy anymore... I felt like I had nowhere to turn. As much as my pride didn't want me to... I did it anyway. I texted Dan Appel (pastor Auburn SDA church), Dave Carreon (youth pastor) and Dick McDaniel (head Elder Auburn SDA church). I sent them two short paragraphs... I told them the facts. I told them I needed their help and prayers and then... I went to bed.

Monday started off... let’s say, unexpectedly. I decided to go to my post office box and check it (which I do on occasion but since it’s my “work” po box and activity is low right now... I don’t do it very regularly). I walked to my PO box, turned the key and there was an envelope inside. You know the kind... the one with the window in it where you can see a check behind it. The check was from the Auburn Seventh-day Adventist church. They were reimbursing me for the yearly hosting charge for all their on-line content that I help manage. Phew... it wasn’t a bunch of money but more than $32.00... My first problem (my negative bank balance) was fixed. I perked up and later in the day when I went to get the mail at home... my IRS refund check (I did forget about that one) was in there. Then the Sabbath Keepers Motorcycle Ministry transfered money into my account to print up some T-shirts for the Alexandria Memorial Ride this Sunday... Oh and... my unemployment ck came 5 days early (don't even ask me how that’s even possible).

I began thinking... Is it even possible that all of these events are a coincidence? Of course, I'm kinda slow to get things... and was still a bit depressed but then Traci and her bff called me and told me to meet them at 5:00pm. They somehow knew I was struggling that day and they had cooked up a surprise for me (I was toying with this idea that I wanted to do... totally out of character... but it was a way to commemorate Alex in a very personal way... I wanted to get it done on the 1st year anniversary but couldn't afford it). Traci's bff (Erin Williams... God bless that woman and her husband Frank) take me to this place and I get my memorial to Alex done... she had it paid for. OK... now it was really ...in my face and there was no way to ignore it.

What kind of idiot experiences all this (in one day, no less) and still tells himself it's all coincidence? Sadly, I'm that kind of idiot... but the day wasn't over. When I got home the kids said... "Dad... come look at this!" The fridge was PACKED... and I mean you couldn’t fit a thin sheet of paper in it, the pantry was STUFFED and there were boxes full of every imaginable thing to eat all over the kitchen floor, dining room table and in the garage. The enormity of the response to my plea for help... the plea that came after I found enough strength to push away my pride and ego... it was finally starting to sink in....even for me Could it be that easy? I mean... could it be that we, our own pride, ego, unwillingness to forgive and our stubborn need to pity ourself and blame others for all the evil things that happen to us... could that be the real enemy? Is it the wall that separates us from the grace and love that comes from the one and only source? This point I think deserves a blog for only that question. Meanwhile... another story that started several weeks ago was also poised to affect my week and would provide even more answers to my thoughts and questions. I had somewhat reluctantly agreed a while ago to speak at the request of Kathy Scholl-Tuscano (the school nurse) at Vista del Lago High School in Folsom, CA for mental health week. She asked if I could present the problem of teen suicide from a parent/survivors perspective to the students. I’m not gonna lie... I was dreading it. However as I sit here and write... I’m realizing that this is another event that I could probably write a book about. In fact I've just now returned from my 3rd time speaking to students and I’m realizing no matter what I write about this experience, it will not begin to articulate adequately, its significance. I think it’s fair to say that the students, the teachers/staff and I were all affected and I think we all left with a lot to think about but there was more than that.

I remember being in High School, very well. I couldn’t tell you the name of even 1 guest speaker (I know we had them) or what they spoke about in our class. I was probably harassing the poor girl sitting in front of me or trying to get more spit-wads to stick on the acoustical tile on the ceiling above me (now just think of the brilliance of that activity when the weather got warmer). Now maybe these kids are just way more mature than I was back then (not a stretch to imagine) but I was shocked at their response and the way they sat there (3 separate groups, 3 different times, each sitting for 90 minutes without a break), their eyes glued to mine or filled with tears. These kids (15-18) were participating, asking questions and bringing up points that led us to some really powerfully moving conversation. When the bell rang... I was approached by several kids from each class... they either shook my hand and thanked me, hugged me, told me how sorry they were for my loss or expressed their personal battle with their own struggles and depression. Honestly... I was so moved by these Kids and by the way they responded. I just didn’t expect a group of kids that age to react the way they did. I left... stunned.

After my first two classes I walked to my car and drove home. I wish I could describe to you how I felt but the words don’t do it any justice. Earlier in the week I felt I was obligated to do some kind of service and maybe (if I was lucky) reach a kid or two and possibly make a dent in this horrid legacy we’ve somehow created that by most definitions is nothing short of an epidemic. Suicide is the 3rd largest killer of our youth ages 14-24. Even more shocking the Center for Disease/Control reports that suicide is the 4th largest killer of children 10-14! OMG... Is that even possible?
As I drove home, I began to realize that there was so much more to this experience than I never expected.
See: http://www.teensuicidestatistics.com/ and http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5635a2.htm

On my way home... I literally felt giddy. Finally... I felt valuable. I had that feeling that I was part of something really meaningful. I haven't felt like that in years and I certainly didn’t expected to feel anything similar since that horrible day on May 7, 2009.
So what’s the point here?

There are several points , most of which are obvious. Faith can carry us through some very difficult times, good can come from tragedy (I still have a problem with that one even if it’s true), we are somehow connected in a global or even cosmic way that we don’t fully understand.

Aside from the typical... there is one point that’s really been driven home for me... this week.

It seems to me more and more lately, that the unexpected epiphanies you experience can really force you to grow and in this case...heal. You won’t see these gems coming and there is no way to know how they will present themselves. The response by the members of the Auburn SDA church... has left me speechless once again but I don't want you to think this was a one and only experience. That group and others like them have sustained and carried my family and I when we couldn’t or wouldn’t take another step. Even though they continue to shock me with their support, I’ve grown to know they’re gonna do yet something else that blows us away. They have shown me the power of what happens when you can shed pride and ego and just try to do like that guy and others that followed him told us to do over 2000 years ago.

But... there is something else... an important point that I can’t ignore today.

I keep thinking about those students. I can see their faces sitting in that classroom... some of them so connected to what I was saying and some overcome with the reality that was being exposed, which some of them deal with daily. What those students don’t know is what that experience did for me. I wish I could somehow memorialize my thoughts in this blog to make you feel how they made me feel. To say the experience was cathartic is bit like saying a Ferrari is a car. It may be true but it leaves out so much that it’s almost worthless. Today... this week... I feel like Alex and I have been part of something special, something truly needed and meaningful and I really hope that my direction and my life’s efforts become more defined and in line with this experience. I have to thank Kathy School-Tuscano and Kay McAleer for inviting me to speak at their school. I have to say that those students and teachers affected me in a way I doubt they can understand. That was an experience that I will refer to for many years to come.... I’m sure.

Thank you Vista del Lago. God will... and does send His comfort but we have to choose to take it. This is a lesson that's proved to be every hard for me to learn and understand... but I think I'm starting to get it. I think that today is a marker and reminder that the fog is lifting and there is important work to be done. I’m praying my direction becomes clearer each day in these days since Alex died.
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Again... thank you so much for your support.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

since Alex died.